Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Where I Am Now

*This is the last in a series of posts about experiencing a miscarriage.*

So, where am I now?  It's been about five months since I had to undergo a D and C to remove my failed pregnancy.  The sadness has subsided substantially, and I've made it through a few conversations about the experience without crying.  That doesn't mean there aren't still times where I get sad.  That doesn't mean I was able to re-read all of these posts without getting choked up.  Believe me, I'm ridiculously excited that I'm currently 13 weeks pregnant, but that doesn't erase my previous ordeal.  It makes it easier to be happy now, but it doesn't eliminate the sad memories or feelings completely.  I consider myself incredibly lucky that we were successful in getting pregnant again the first month my doctor told me it was safe to.  I look at it as avoiding adding insult to injury.  The injury still happened, but it wasn't made worse.

So what have the other effects been, besides bad memories?  I think the one that hurts the most is the loss of the pure joy that people get to experience when they see a positive pregnancy test.  I had it with my first one, but worry and doubt clouded my second.  I couldn't forget what happened the first time around, so my positive test in June was just met with a feeling of "let's hope this one works out."  Doesn't sound super joyous, does it?  That's not the way it should be, but I had lost my innocent naivete.  I couldn't help but remind myself that I shouldn't get my hopes up. 

The joy is here now, but I guess it was just a little more delayed for me than it is for others.   My 7 week sonogram still left me with doubts, which were almost gone after my 9 week one.  I honestly didn't get to have that purely happy moment until my 12 week sonogram, though.  I still didn't allow myself to fully accept that this time around would be successful until just this past week.

Another effect on me is a much deeper understanding for what other women have felt.  I've known many, many women who had miscarriages, and I (callously) thought I would handle it better than them if it ever happened to me.  I'm embarrassed by my previous views, because this experience was stronger than me.  It kicked me off my high horse and definitely gave me a reality check.  I remember not understanding how a woman who had a miscarriage could still be upset over it after later successfully having a child.  I just figured their sadness would go away because they had fulfilled their overall goal.  Here's my lame sports brain at work, but this is how I previously related it: If I swung and missed a pitch, but then connected and hit a home run on the next one, why would I still be upset about missing the first pitch?  It took it actually happening to me before I realized that each pregnancy is an individual occurrence.  Each pregnancy is its own "at-bat."

Obviously there have been other effects on me, like one I mentioned in a previous post about feeling closer to my husband.  I'll never forget this experience, but I think time will lessen its harmful effects on me.  Hopefully the positive effects stick around forever, though.  One thing I know for sure - I can't let myself wallow in 'what might have been.'  I am living in the here and now, and cherishing the baby I have growing inside me today.

If you would like to share your story with me, or need an ear to listen, or just want to say hello, you can reach me at vanweezy (at) gmail (dot) com.  I'm here. 

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